1601: Conversation, as it was by the Social Fireside, in the Time of the Tudors

The diarist describes a conversation in the presence of the queen between various famous Elizabethans during which one of the company passes gas:

"In ye heat of ye talk it befel yt one did breake wind, yielding an exceding mightie and distresfull stink, whereat all did laugh full sore."

The Queen inquires as to the source, and receives various replies. "Lady Alice" and "Lady Margery" both deny passing gas, the first saying:

"Good your grace, an' I had room for such a thundergust within mine ancient bowels, 'tis not in reason I coulde discharge ye same and live to thank God for yt He did choose handmaid so humble whereby to shew his power. Nay, 'tis not I yt have broughte forth this rich o'ermastering fog, this fragrant gloom, so pray you seeke ye further."

Ben Jonson, Francis Bacon and William Shakespeare (referred to as 'Shaxpur') also deny having passed gas, though they have different opinions about the merits of flatulence. Bacon considers it a "great performance" beyond his abilities, and Shakespeare is astounded by its "firmament-clogging rottenness". Walter Raleigh admits to it, but confesses that it was not up to his usual standards, demonstrating his abilities by letting out an even louder one.

From there, the talk proceeds to manners and customs. Shakespeare tells a story about a prince with an enormous sexual appetite, taking ten "maidenheddes" a night followed by copious masturbation. Raleigh describes an American tribe, members of which have sex only once every seven years. The queen speaks to a young lady-in-waiting who comments on the growth of her pubic hair, on which Francis Beaumont compliments her. The queen says that Francois Rabelais had once told her about a man who had a "double pair" of bollocks, which leads to a discussion on the correct spelling of the word.

Shakespeare then reads from his works Henry IV and Venus and Adonis, which the diarist says she finds tedious. She then comments on the sexual misadventures of the people present, remarking that "when pricks were stiff and cunts not loathe to take ye stiffness out of them, who of this company was sinless". Alice and Margery were "whores from ye cradle", but now they are old they spout religion. The characters then discuss the work of Cervantes and an up-and-coming young painter called Rubens.

The "diary" ends with a story told by Raleigh about a woman who avoided being raped by an "olde archbishoppe" by asking him to urinate in front of her, which rendered him impotent.